The thought of separating from parents on marriage should have tormented every young girl. Many girls might have questioned that why does the bride have to leave her home and parents after marriage? Why something so divine such as marriage has become a bond of sacrifices and compromises? Girls might have sought answers only to hear that it is a tradition. The parents of girls have already been made to believe uncritically by the society that their daughters are “Paraya dhan” (someone else’s property). Their sacrifice of separation have been labelled and euphemized as a great donation called “Kanyadaan”. As if girls are like material properties or gifts which can be donated to the husband and his family! They have been so indoctrinated that they believe kanyadaan as a respectful, glorifying and virtuous deed. The idea of kanyadaan objectifies women which is so denigrating and abhorrent.
I am not criticising what has happened in the past. Girls moving to husband’s house after marriage might be the need of the time when men were only the breadwinners and women used to take care of the home. The jobs were physically demanding in the past but things have changed now. Girls are becoming more and more independent. But still the girls who are capable of earning their own living and taking care of their parents have to follow this old ritual willingly or unwillingly. I personally believe that this system should change. Only then women will be really independent. Only then various social evils and problems such as women inequality, female foeticide, population explosion, gender ratio disparity and dowry can be abolished. Only then parents and the society will start considering girls and boys as equal.
How the existing dwelling model has a direct connection with social evils?
The fear that the girl will have to separate from parents one day is root of many social problems. It creates a great sense of insecurity in parents about the future. Financial insecurity, emotional insecurity, insecurity about inheritance and so on. They consider girl a liability. Such insecurity and fear puts pressure on couple to have male child because they know that girl will get separated from them one day. This is the reason that some people still prefer male child over female one. This is the reason for female foeticide. If not female foeticide, couple may go on reproducing offsprings until they produce a male progeny. Hence the population explosion, disparity of sex ratio, gender in-equality and other social evils.
Is there a Solution?
But then a question arises that how will things change? Should the husband go to wife’s house after marriage and become a “Ghar Jamai”? No. It is the same thing. The sacrifices still remain. Should the husband and wife adopt a nuclear family approach and should they both dwell separately from both their families? If everyone separates, who will take care of the parents in old age? I believe it is the responsibility of children to take care of their parents in old age. Leaving them is running away from your responsibilities. Even if parents are financially stable and healthy, in old age they need your love and emotional support. We have seen a rise in nuclear family approach lately but even nuclear family approach has failed. The nuclear family has its own reasons for a higher divorce rate, a fractured family and rise in old age homes. And often such nuclear families have arised because couple have to shift to a different city because of their jobs and generally the girls are the ones who compromise and shift with their husband. Nuclear family approach has been proved to be emotionally, financially, psychologically, and in many other ways unhealthy in the west.
So what is the solution? The solution is to adopt a new dwelling and family model. A hybrid model can be created that can be comfortable to both the men and women. Creating such model can be really a difficult and complicated task and it needs a great amount of understanding not only between the couple but also between the parents/family of the couple. There can’t be any specific rules for such model. But there can be some guidelines which can be customised according to your circumstances. With a few exceptions, there is no standard of what is good, normal, acceptable, and what is not. No one can tell you what to do and what is the right dwelling model. It is entirely the responsibility of the couple to manage the marriage. There is no right answer; so don't seek one.
The Prerequisites
- Both husband and wife should be financially independent and stable.
- Great trust and understanding between the couple.
- Understanding between families of husband and wife.
- Ego has to be kept aside
Dwelling Models
- Three house model (Joint-Nuclear Hybrid model)
The idea is to dwell as a nuclear family but in a close proximity with parents of both sides. The couple dwells in a separate house. The girl's parents dwells in a separate house. The boy's parents dwells in a separate house. But all these houses are in a close proximity, possibly in the same society, or within a walkable distance. This way no one gets separated.
But it is not as easy as it sounds. It is difficult to buy a property. But things can be worked out if you are financially stable. Also instead of spending a lot of money in wedding, you can use it to buy a property. Another problem is the circumstances may not allow all to live in a close proximity. For example, if the parents have multiple offsprings, it may not be possible for everyone to live in close proximity because of various reasons.
- Two house model
The girl stays with her parents. The boy stays with his parents. The girl and boy takes financial responsibility of their parents respectively and can share the common expenses equally. Sometimes the girl can visit the boy's house and sometimes the boy can visit the girl's house. But both the houses should not be far away because if the husband and wife stay separated all the time, then the marriage will lose its meaning.
"Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow." - Kahlil Gibran - One house model
Both the parents of boy and girl stays together with the couple and all mutually adjust and support each other. This is difficult but possible in case of parents with single child.
I am neither saying that these models are perfect nor I guarantee that these models will work for you. I know that these models cannot be adapted by everyone because everyone has different circumstances. All I want to convey is that we need to understand that girls have parents just as boys do and the emotional attachment is the same. I want to convey that for the betterment of the society, we need to move ahead of this ritual of kanyadaan. The couple needs to think and consult each other and work out on a dwelling model which can be comfortable for both of them. Where there is a will, there is a way. Once we break out of social stereotypes and so called vague traditions, marriage would not be a bond for sacrifices and compromise but a bond for love!
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